Firstly, many apologies to all the people for the time it has been since the last blog.......we have had very limited internet access since we've been in the paradise that is fiji but now i will make ammends and bring you all up to date with our adventures in the land down under. First of all i am going to write for you an Australian to English dictionary. The ozzies can't talk properly, they basically cut words down by putting an 'o' on the end e.g this arvo or they just wine the words....it's very sad for them. Anyway here you go:
Don't crap on = don't exaggerate, don't come the raw prawn with me mate = don't try and pull the wool over my eyes. as sharp as a tac = very clever. like a possum up a gum tree = moving very fast. how ya going (pronounced how yaaaaaaa goooooooooooooooooing) = how are you (but they don't expect any answer just means hello and they take forever to say it in their winey voices)! Flaming galah = fool/idiot. cobber = friend. bludger = someone who's always imposing themselves. bodgie = faulty. dunny = toilet. fair dinkum = fair enough/genuine. True blue bloke = real ozzy. emo = emotional grunger. bag him out = slag him off. slurry = sl*g. bashing/punching off = fighting. lem = lesbian. hound someone to the ground = really badly beat someone up. wireless = radio. not yet five = it's nearly 5 o'clock. arvo = this afternoon. off you = annoyed with you. goon = there version of lambrini but cheaper and deadlier!!! Tally = tall glass. Stubby = a bottle. tinny = can of beer. schoona = perfetic gay half pint they all drink. Skull it = down the drink. Pom = Us, the English, actually for stands for prisoners of her majesty which is quite ironic considering they are in actual fact prisoners of the queen!! Ute = truck. sheilla = woman. f*cking oath = too right. Far out = splendid. Doona = douvet. Scoozy = look. Groll = good. Heeps = lots. Heeps good = yep you've got it 'very good'. Struff = oh no. sweet as = very good. Fully sick bro = very very good (its embarrasing when they say that)!! pashing = kissing. Bogan = hillbilly/chav. Dingo = a sort of dangerous fox/dog. Thongs = flip flops. Jelly belly = yoyr eating too much Burger King. Abo's = aborigines (the natives who are now just always drunk and projectile vomit all the time). Right your getting the idea, there's loads more but can't be bothered to go through them all because it's painfull!!!!
Okay on with the blog. First of all i would like to take this moment to introduce you to the theme of this blog and inform you that Australia has taught us that there are two sides to every story and what a member of the five lost boys may first reveal about an experience they have had may in fact be quite different. We are talking about conspiracy theories...the truths behind the stories. Australia has involved us splitting up from time to time and being told stories about there adventures to then later find out that the lost boy is bullsh*tting!! Take for instance the infamous day of the 22nd November 1963 when John Fitzgerald Kennedy was shot dead by lee Harvey Oswald was there infact another sniper in the grassy knoll. Or for example on the 31st August 1997 when the world was shocked by the sudden, violent and completely unexpected death of Diana, Princess of Wales. What caused the mercades to crash into the pillar in that infamous tunnel in Paris? Was this merely an accident or was this a deliberately staged assasination? The point i'm getting at is there always two sides to a story and no smoke without fire. I mean of course there's the obvious in life that need no investigation or further discussion, e.g the 'fact' that Arsenal are not going through a transitional stage but are infact now a cr*p team who merely operate as a feeder club for the likes of Real Madrid and Chelsea, however, there is also the conspiracies in life, the truths beneath the veneer of the stories. This brings me to the first conspiracy.........the apparent accident Alex the shark Parkinson had at the full moon. 1, no-one was with Alex at the time of the injury, 2, the cut was tiny and only equal to that of other cuts others of the lost boys had sustained, 3, the place he caught the infection from was apparently the swimming pool the day after, we had all been in this pool and no-body got the same infection. Now your probably thinking yes Dan this all seems a bit wierd but you need more evidence than that, well on the contrary my dear Watson, i would like to note that Sharky only actually officially fell ill the day that his beloved Carly arrived in Bangkok, also it seems a little strange that there were unable to perform a skingraft in Bangkok, one of the most technologically advanced hospitals in the world, bit strange that he had to fly back to England if you ask me. Also we've noticed that the scar is a fake as it is usually on his right leg but on two days it was on his left in Fiji. It seems prety conclusive that Sharky and Carly staged the whole thing so that they could con Sharky's poor nan into paying for them to have a week in Greece so they could be together and so that Shary could be back in England for the beggining of his favourite program ever ' Big Brother'.....i rest my case!! Of course, make your own minds up yeah, but i think we all know the truth.
Okay......Australia....what did we do??!!!!! Well we arrived in Darwin on Monday 7th July at 4am. Our hopes of being greeted at the airport by stunning Ozzy flight staff were quickly crushed when we were instead greeted by sniffer dogs sniffing our privates and not the 5 sexy blondes we had envisinged.....to top this Dalmonego's Australian Visa stated that he was born in 2003 and thus was only 5 years old.......this meant that we were all question for a good half an hour about our intentions in Australia and Dalmonego quized as to whether he had a five year old son!! Was not the best start!! Our first night in Darwin was a messy one to say the least....straight away we went a brought the cheap tacky Goon and played some drinking games at our hostel. Needless to say we underestimated the power of the goon, and 2 litres later each we were in trouble!!! Poor Dalmonego didn't even make it out and we were later to hear stories of a naked bald argy roaming the hostel and a further story about Dan falling out the top of his bunk at 5 am wakeing the whole dorm. Needless to say he was naked....if anyone knows Dan they know he is quite partial to a strip...if you don't believe me please type into 'youtube' 'dan thinks he's invisible'!!!! Darwin was really good and sure enough our intentions of sticking to a 25 quid (50 dollar) a day budget soon went out the window. With so many Bk's, Mcdonalds, Domino's Pizza's and subways around it was difficult...poor Andy '8 meals a day' Pereira infact visited 84 of Australia's 103 Burger King establishments!!
Oh yes, how could i possibly forget, Darwin was where we picked up our latest recruit and stand in fifth lost boy in Sharky's absence. In looking for an actor to play the character sharky in Australia we made a short list of George Michael, Patric Swaysey and Ben Wilson (a lesser known actor)! Eventually, due to budget we chose Ben 'the Bogan' Wilson and boy did he do a great first impression of Shark. Within 2 hours of arrival he had skulled about 15 beers and was throwing up in the hostel bin. You can find pictures of this first night on the website. The problem with Ben 'the bogan' Wilson, however, was that he always took it to far and not only did he throw up in the bin he was shouting obscenities at young women, tripping over kids and even punched an old lady in the face who caught him stealing a pie from her food bag. After a group decision we decided not to post them pictures on the website but you know me i would never exaggerate anything!!
To provide you with a brief insight to Ben's life and character, Ben was born on the 11th July 1983, but has defied all scientific and mathematical theory by already now being 46. As a child Ben was very well behaved and quite the cheeky chappy. Ben was raised in the Lake District which is an island just north of scotland. He attended 'Scot's tots' nursery school, before attending St Mary's Catholic School for Camp Northerners (SMSCN) for 7 years. Ben was a very confident boy but very, very camp and thus it was no surprise to Ben's family when he came out at his 6th birthday party. Ben matured in his secondary and college years and in 2001 after moving 22 hours south of his home town of the 'lake district', began his stint at the University College of Northampton. At Uni Ben had it all, he was academically astonishing, captain of the la cross team and was dating on and off for five years footballing stud and hard man Neil 'the midfield mystro' Champolova. However, things turned sour for Ben and after catching Neil in bed with Phil the line'o, Wilson moved to Sydney where he hit the grog and was taken in by a hillbilly organisation called 'Born to be Bogan's'!! We are not sure what happened to him out there but it's clear that the camp little boy who used to wear pink dresses and blow kisses at the next door neighbours in the back garden is gone!! As you can imagine we were a bit nervous when he turned up in Darwin.
Right sorry to sidetrack just wanted you to know what we had to deal with. On with the blog. From Darwin we hired a car which we had for 19 days....first we did a 3 day trip to Kakadu National Park etc before heading back to Darwin and setting off on our 12 day camping trip, which was 6,000 k's from Darwin, through Katherine, Tennants Creek, Alice Springs,, then down to Ayres rock where Wilson forced us to do a photo with our backsides out in front of the rock and then went mental at two young chinese girls for nearly ruining the photo, spitting at one and smashing the other girls camera. Unfortunately Ben has become somewhat of an Oliver Reed type character when it comes to drinking, bowls it round like Liam Gallagher and has the combined social skills of Musolini and Pol Pot. Next we went to Coober Pedy, then Adelaide where we narrowly escaped death when a tree fell down onto the pavement we were walking on, next it was Warnambool, then cruised down the 'Great Ocean road' to Melbourne. I say cruised, we had been crusing under the calm and safe driving of hunky Danile Horacio Dalmonego but oh no Wilson got bored and forced his way behind the wheel. Within 10 minutes of him driving he was playing his favourite game of slowing down next to young mums and asking them for directions.........he would then mid-sentence grab the poor young mum's buttocks and make a 'ggrrrrr' sound (bit like a pirate) and then speed off a 200 k an hour laughing hysterically and salivating at the mouth......on this occasion Ben was spotted by the Australian police force and before we knew it we were in a high speed car chase (i know this stiry seems a bit far fetched but please look at the photo's of Ben being pulled over on the website)!!! Anyway to cut a long story short after a 20 minute chase Ben, who was escessively drunk, fell asleep and Dalmonego was able to regain control of the car. The policemen then approached the car and explained that we had been stopped due to Ben doing 90 in a 50k zone....oce again this is factual information....we stil have the report he wrote out for us. Luckily we didn't have to pay the 300 dollar fine. The reason why we got away with it still remains a mystery. Some, infact very few believe the theory that due to the fact that we would be leaving the state of Victoria within one week meant that they could never catch up with us and the nice policemen pointed this out to us, however, the more believable and commonly believed is that Dan Dalmonego who you will notice in the phot's was sitting in the passenger side of the car came to some kind of agreement with the officer. We overheard Dan call him officer pretty and arrange to meet him somewhere in Sydney, nevertheless Dalmonego, the man who has is always naked and has been linked with several ladyboys, left Melbourne two days earlier than us to go to Sydney and has not yet revelaed what happened on those two seedy nights......make your own minds up!!!!
At 8:30 pm on thursday 24th July we finally arrived in Melbounre and after two weeks without seeing or speaking to any girls we were like newly released convicts!!! Melbourne was an amazing city and i'd say we all agreed that it was the best city so far. Melbourne did involve the 5 lost boys mainly being three as Andy Pereira moved in with his wife to be Calire for a week and Steve 'the hound' fairbrother had a date with a different girl evey night, ranging from an sicillian girl with links to the mob to a deaf and blind Thai girl who Steve liked to play connect 4 with until Wilson tied her shoe laces together and then punched her in the face meaning she had to go hospital for two weeks. This wasn't the only antics Wilson got up to in Melbourne.......on his final night there before he was kicked out of Australia and asked never to return.....Ben got hammered and then him and two of his mates, who's names i cannot disclose got naked in the lift and danced for the camera singing football songs.......him and his friends (not me and Dalmonego) were caught on camera. Once again this is a true story and we are currently in the process of requesting the footage from the hostel to put onto our site!! Anyway, you know Ben, he got caught the two other lads apologised, Ben instead hit the woman owner and booted her son in the face and that i'm afraid to say was the last we saw of Ben 'the bogan' Wilson'!!
Next it was off to Sydney for a few days where we did all the touristy stuff e.g. the bridge and tower, we alos met up with a couple of old friends...big shout out to the turners and to Lisa White who took us ice skating....i hope you've all seen the video on the website!!! From there we cruised up the east coast in about 2 weeks doing Byron Bay, Surfers Paradice, Brisbane, Hervey Bay, not so much Frasier Island, then to Airley Beach for our 'Whitsundays' boat trip where we saw Dolphins, Whales, Spainish gilrs and Sting Rays, then we shot up to the heat of Cairns where we were re-united with the crazy canadians from Samet, Thailand.
Unfortunately for me and Steve we spent most of the east coast with our hands and backs covered in plasters and bandages after we were knocked into the sea by a freak wave in Byron Bay. As i recall the reason we went out onto the rock was to save a small kitten that was stranded on the rock, infact actually there was an old lady there to, infact it was an old lady holding a one day old kitten, thats right. So me and Stev without any thought for own safety waded out to the rock and rescued the lady from certain death, we were then able to throw the kitten to sure just before a massive 10 foot wave knocked us in to the razor sharp rocks and merciless ocean!! Fred and Menago who were on lookers were quoted as saying 'dam them to hunks were brave, but they'll never survive this", luckily we were able to pull oursleves out of the water using our strong tanned biceps and lived to save another life. Not really worth mentioning this but another version of the story which is absolute lies is that the reason we went out to the wave was to try and get a profile picture of the wave going across us because we're vain idiots, howvever, we underestimated the power of the wave cos not only are vain idiots, we are very stupid, resulting in us being knocked straight into the water and flipped everywhere cutting all our bodies....like i said thats a ridiculouys theory....why would we do that!!!! By the way for the record it was steve's idea!!!!
Wow as per usual this blog has gone on way longer than expected and gone in a million different directions!! Once again apologies for the lateness in the blog being posted.....i promise that we will not do this to our loyal fans again!! On a highly positive note i would like to welcome Sharky back who joined us on the last leg of our trip in Australia in Brisbane where on sight we had a massive pile on bundle in the hostel reception area to which people looked a little shocked. Thanks for giving him back Carly and the Parkinson's, we promise to look after him, well as much as anyone can restrain a drunk Sharky, i'm sure froggy will sympathise here!!
A further blog for Fiji will be added in the next few days including a special exclusive interview with Alex 'the deaf defying' Parkinson, we will also reveal how Menago captured the heart of 49 year old Fijian cocktail waitress 'Mama', how Steve has been on yet more dates, how Andy Skateboard P' Pereira was shamed in a dance off with a Fijian bar maid and how Dan Brown managed to break land speed records running round the whole island of Beachcomber in 2 minutes and 39 seconds!! Till then adios world...be sure to look at the video's and photo's on the site and please send us some messages....we miss you!!! Not that much but a little bit!!!
Oh yeah last but not least lock your windows and doors as Ben 'the bogan' Wilson is now on route back to the UK, he is unpredicatable, camp and dangerous. Likewise if you are a woman reading this blog in Australia be equally as warey as there have been sightings of a 5ft 11, chubby, grey haired man driving the Australian 5 carriage trucks pulling over to ask women for directions and you know what comes next. It's safer just to stay in doors!! Thats all for now!!
p.s I'm very sorry Ben......think i owe you a drink