9.7.2008

Everyone died!

I woke up this morning crying…It wasn't just a few tears but it was howling, trying to breathe in between. It felt as though someone had been sitting on my chest.

I had seen dad die a few times in my past, maybe the earliest was when I was 8 year old. I still remember it clearly because as soon as I woke up I ran into their room to check that he was still there and continued crying in his arms. He consoled me smiling "that's a good sign, when you see someone die they have even longer life"…What a good liar! He makes things up all the time to sooth you as a child, but once you're an adult he also likes to speak the truth and be blunt.

Anyhow, I did get confused a lot in my dream, I saved someone's like after a road accident and at that particular time I thought "wow, could someone I love be dying right now" and a few days later I found out that my little brother had died on that very day. I was in Australia still. Then as I was mourning his death I saw my older brother die again, and then a few days after my father…

I did return home, although it wasn't like our home at all. Mum was getting on with daily things, there were so many people in the house, and I just cried. Everything I did was with tears, the reality kept hitting me every time I woke up (still in my dream), every time I moved from one room to the next…I kept saying "is this a dream?" and I knew it was, yet I couldn't bring myself out of it. Then I felt so guilty as I hadn't seen dad for 10months, I remembered his voice when I spoke to him just 2 days ago…And I cried and cried and cried…

Dad does mean a lot to me as I always referred to him as my first teacher in life, a man I absolutely adore, a girl's first love…Yet these dreams disturb me so much as they feel so real. I also know that one day the day may come where I would wish that it was a dream but it'll be the other way round, I won't be waking up from that.

I guess if I was to play our game of "seeing the good things in everything"; these dreams make me appreciate people I love, and understand that my time with them is not everlasting. Nothing is permanent after all.