10.4.2008

I'm an Indian Man

I wrote this whilst waiting to board a plane from Varanasi to Mumbai on 1st April 2008, a tribute to men of India

"I'm an Indian man, born into a family of many children. Although I was fortunate enough to go to school I didn't get very far. I was always more interested in playing cricket, throwing stones at birds, pulling cows' tails and beating up boys who dared talk to my younger sisters. I was always in the streets until I was called home for dinner.

Now I'm an adult living in a touristy town arranging tours for white skinned people. I am married but not for love, to have a wife who does her duties towards me, cook, clean, dust and give me sexy time whenever I want.

I have the best job being around so many white women. I don't speak much English but my best pick up line is "hello madam, which country?" When I repeat this many times I know I am even more irresistible. Every night I think about all the women I ask this question to and count how many I meet from which country. At least this way I can say "remember me?" when I see them again.

I love to hang out with my friends, in big groups, doing nothing all day but passing time standing around the streets. We like to intimidate white women especially when it's dark and they are walking alone. I stare at their breast when I talk to them because my friend once told me that white women have their brain there.

But I also stare at my own body, I am obsessed with it. My hair is slick as though a holy cow has licked it, always creasy with coconut oil and combed to one side. I use cheap aftershave because its better value for money, the smell is stronger and lasts longer. I wear my trousers tight around my hips to show off my skinny waist and intact bottom but pull them up as high as my armpits so the definition of my muscular upper body is magnified.

I am amused with my balls. I can hold a conversation, make a business deal or any kind of communication and arrange myself at the same time. As my trousers are so tight I have to pinch them out whilst making a squatting action to release my balls time to time. Scratching my balls is so much fun, so that I may as well have one hand permanently on my crutch.

I have great respect for the nature; I like to water the grass, trees and plants with my top quality urine as often as possible. My s*** is a blessing, helps all vegetation grow faster and juicier, gives the redness to the carrots in India. As my body is the best temple you may ever enter, I don't have the need to hide my buttocks behind anything whilst s***ting. I like to watch the world go by and contemplate during these precious moments, and display all that hangs well.

I love to smoke and chew pan as it gives a great brown gloss to my teeth, my grin is all of a sudden more attractive. I don't have the need to interrupt my pan chewing for anyone either so I get by making groaning noises and if the other person doesn't understand me that's their problem.

I need to know everyone's business and contribute with my invaluable opinion in all matters. I look over people's shoulders when they withdraw money at ATMs, I add on to the crowd of people when someone is haggling a price, I look at all disasters especially when there is blood or fighting involved but never really help.

I know deep down that I am the Don, I am invincible and I am the best. I have an important role in this life.