25.2.2008

Is there ever a true escape from reality?

I've had a weird day, all started well with the routine activities of yoga, long Sunday breakfast with Hindu Times paper, swimming pool with yogis in sizzling weather, doing yoga by the pool, having fun conversations, then heading out for some late lunch….This is how my life has been for a while, with no true worries; which is a worry on its own sometimes about returning home and facing the music. But anyhow I rang my dad at 3.30pm; which is my one of my favourite rituals on Sundays- to hear my parents voice as they are still in bed and sleepy. So I had the news that there was a fire in the building next door to my flat and because the firemen wanted to check that there was no harm to anyone in my flat they had to break my door to gain access as there was no one home. I mean so far this is a blissful story itself, the fact that no one was harmed and that the fire wasn't in fact in my flat are the best things about it. But the whole plava of figuring out what happens to the door was a slight stress, what was the damage, who would fix it, how it's be paid etc etc.

At the end of the day it is great that I have a lot of people looking out for the property so I'm very lucky to be able to leave home for so long, and it wasn't so much what happened that was the problem. What I noticed was how strongly my mind was drawn back to London; all of a sudden I felt the need to be there, to worry in person, to sort things out in person. It is a distraction that comes and goes time to time. I may have another 7 months ahead of me and I try not to think about somewhere else when I'm travelling because thinking doesn't really help with anything at all. And yet I do worry about my home, people, and the fact that I may not have a job to come back to.

Recently I began to question whether if it is ever possible to be free of leading so many lives. I feel that I have one with me here and now; and another one that continues in London. Everything is ok as long as I don't know about it, ignorance is bliss. But then when I do hear about things my mind easily drift to the double life. So I also question what I'm gaining out of this experience, am I at all learning how to cope with stresses of life? Or am I simply working on the physical yoga and resting my body? Funny thing is I remembered what Namashira said in the philosophy classes; "we always think the worse and the fear/anxiety of what may happen is the problem rather than what really happens in life. After all nothing will be that bad, and even when things are bad it'll pass". So I don't understand what my anxiety over the front door is, why my mind is so occupied and petrified. After all it's a door, it'll be fixed or replaced and soon will be forgotten about.

And thinking about what will happen in September when I return is just crazy, I know it, I simply can't stop it from happening. Perhaps it is time to put some of that wisdom of Namashira to experience.

In the meantime I am thankful nothing worse has happened and I'd like to think that this will be the only event of the year whilst I'm away. And I know that I'm not trying to escape the reality or my life in London. I just need to learn to cope with that existence better than get anxious about what may or may not happen. And I need to be thankful that some people check up on me when I need it the most, just like the phone call I received from Judith this evening and the warmth and smile she brought to my faceJ