20.04.2008

My feet feel weird

Here I am sat in a huge comfy chair at Mumbai airport after 5 hours on plastic chairs and I feel like a 5 year old, these things are as big as sun lounges. All I have to do is look over my laptop to see my feet, my feet that are inside my Campers. I'm wearing shoes after 6 months and it feels ever so weird, I have tingling sensations, feel restricted every time I want to stretch my toes and wiggle them.

After 5 days of sunshine in Palolem we arrived in Mumbai yesterday afternoon. The city hasn't become any more attractive with its fumes, noise and traffic. It was good to arrive at Cowie's hotel and see Sonu, 34 year old from Pushkar who has a sad life doing nightshifts at the reception with the hope of meeting a foreigner, getting married and escaping India. He is a nice man but with his intentions being so clear I immediately made up my lie of "well, unfortunately I'm about to get married but such a lovely man like you should have no problems finding someone". Thank god mum was with me to back it all up. He did insist that we take photos with him this morning in the restaurant of the hotel that has been shut down for a few years, and in fact it has a really scary, ghostly feel to it.

Oh another significant entry for the diary is that I got shat on by a bird by the gateway of India this morning when we went for a morning walk with mum. I wanted her to see inside the Taj Mahal hotel so we simply had to walk in there with bird s*** on my head, shoulder and chest

So I thought I had an idea about what I would write, a lot of things came to my mind as we drove in the taxi to the airport packed in like sardines in the backseat with mum and Rahman because of our luggage occupying the front seat. I thought about the people in India, what I love and what I hate the most, I thought about what I gained in the last 6 months (as well as the additional 3kgs…hey maybe the additional 3kgs are wisdom and not fat) and perhaps I thought about what changed in me. After all nothing is permanent, I will return home being a different person, everyone else will be just as different.

There have been times that I wanted to shout out "f*** you India". I read many books about people's journeys here and how many had stated that "I thought I would never return to the country, but I did"…Well, it's like that. You love it and hate it at the same time; there are days that you meet great gems in this country, a simple gesture, a statement you needed to hear to feed your soul. And there are days that everything so simple is so difficult and you cannot find logic in the midst of it. There are days people are in your face, conning you, treating you like s*** just like the fake priest in Pushkar shouting "if you don't pay me go to Pakistan, this is a holy place, leave now" because I wouldn't fall for his silly trick….Argh India, I cant even believe that I lasted 6 months with you sometimes. And yet I love every moment of it, even the hatred you bring out of me. The heat has certainly been full on, taking me to extremes that I didn't think I would get to. But taught me the super calmness and stillness that can be maintained in all moments.

Then I shouldn't really be complaining at all, yes I've been here 6 months but not all has been in real India. I don't call Kovalam or Goa real India. Those are states built for the tourists in a reality that's been created by men, protected from its true nature. So really the 3.5months spent in those places were pretty easy going, a few cockroaches here and there, a few occasions of upset belly or heat rash but the hustle and bustle was truly missing. I'm glad that I got to spend time in Mysore and Rajasthan to experience the real thing. It would be great to do more of that travelling up north but without rushing around so much.

I was pretty unshaken when mum and Rahman left this morning as well. It was my turn to see them through the immigration desks, wave goodbye and blow kisses. I surely miss them but it hasn't been as hard as leaving London or whenever I had to leave people behind in India. It was another thought that came to me yesterday when I walked on the beach, I think I found home and finally cleared the dust and settled in. I don't have the notion of searching or belonging or incompleteness anymore. I feel like home is inside or even around me as I do move around. And the rush of energy is vast, like taking on the world, like having all I need to orchestrate my reality. Nature does bring it all out of me

So what did I do? I booked onto another 10day meditation in Australia in July to get more grounded and comfortable in my home.

Ah, the bird never left me either. It's not an eagle, it's a hawk. All I had to do was to lift my head and it was always circling somewhere near, I never had to wait long to notice its big wings and grace.

So, it's never a goodbye to India from me. It's always "see you again very soon", in fact I intend to return in December to Kovalam to study with Lino and see friends again. But with so many other close friends now in Jaisalmer and Pushkar I hope I can get a chance to visit them also, even though they are a little far away.

As I swam (oh excuse me, as I dipped in the sea yesterday) I said a little thank you to India for welcoming me and being kind to me.

Bring it on New Zealand, I'm so ready for you now…Yay!