8th or 9th January 2009

Still Indian Nights

It is 4am. This must be the quietest time in India. The air is sticky; there is only the sound of the crickets and the ocean at distance. Dogs are slowly beginning wake up and bark, crows haven't yet added to the orchestra.

I'm up because of another purification I am doing. Although it was challenging at times I have been doing a series of ayurveda treatments. I've known Unni, my doctor for 3 years now and he seems to read me faster than any human being. As my body changes with the yoga and become more open, my mind is often the resistant core of many difficulties. As my lovely therapist Seena works on the knots in my shoulders and neck on a daily basis she always repeats "too much thinking Oz".

18th January 2009 continued from above

I never managed to finish that diary entry as I probably spent the next few hours running to the toilet. I think I did a total of four purifications during my stay, not being so fond of the castor oil and literally forcing myself to drink it, gagging at the same time. But I must admit after each purification I started to relax more and more, it wasn't just crap I was s***ting out but perhaps letting go of lots of emotions too.

As I said goodbye to Unni I couldn't hold back the tears. I felt that I allowed him to get closer to me a step further, sharing my frustrations and anger in life. This year I really understood how wise he is and how patient he has been with me. He could read me just by looking into my eyes, disregarding all my childish behaviour, how I tried to control my own treatment plan and perhaps even tried to sabotage his treatment plans for me. He was so happy to see that my struggles with the treatment was reflecting other parts of my life and the milestone we made this year was just incredible as we both looked back at the end of the treatment. I had become more grounded, much calmer and in balance.

And the true irritations with people around me that got stronger and stronger were perhaps more about me than others. I was getting into a very positive, grounded state of being and started to see people who suck my energy, people who talk at me for the sake of talking, people who love to be negative. I think my tolerance was challenged. As I confessed my emotions to Robin he was reassuring that it is ok not to like everyone and not to help everyone. I think what I wanted to learn was how to remove myself from these situations, or to be able to say no to people rather than please them.

Anyhow it sure has been a unique year in Kovalam. It is always like going to my home, a home where everything looks the same, feels the same and yet I return changed, dealing with different issues and growing in my own little way. A place where friends get together year after year, close friendships knitted together even though there may be a whole year in between. And the ocean, the palm trees, hawks circling the clear skies, sunsets, the moon and the stars, the whole nature make it much more joyful. I wonder if people spotted the beautiful white butterflies this year flapping their wings around.

Until next time…