1.1.2009

First practice of the year

I recall John saying how he used to keep a diary in mysore and there would often be "pain" written in it. That hasn't been my experience so much in my practice although emotional pain has surfaced more as I advanced in my practice. Today I wanted to do my practice for others so with each breath I followed the following mantra for all human kind "love, peace, harmony" and I had the softest, most flowy session since leaving New Zealand. The feminine side of me rose and managed to stay on top of the masculine. I had felt that Lino has been bringing up that masculine side more and more with his tough approach.

And as it came to dropbacks I fought my tears back as strongly as I could. Even though now I can see why Lino did what he did, at the time it felt so harsh. He had a frown over me all the time as he watched me do nearly 20 dropbacks and maybe more. Every now and then he gave me the disapproving look and said "you just don't want to come up". I could see that he was trying to get to me emotionally more than anything and ratherthan breaking into tears and feeling bullied I just carried on again and again.

My mantra slipped at times for sure. What happened to the love, peace and harmony. Then I had the chuckle, remembering a conversation I had with a dear friend. "have you seen how lino's students dropback? Have you seen how wide they have their feet out to the side? It is ridiculous…" I just knew I wouldn't be one of those, even when Desiree came up to me saying "Oz, just go wider with your legs and turn your feet out"

Lino did finish it on a good vibe as I said to him "it is coming Lino, slowly slowly". It was good to see a glimpse of a smile then. But as I came to my room I did question the teacher-student relationships. There is definitely much respect and trust in one and another but where do we draw the line about doing something to please them? Knowing Lino's motives in this case helped, he believes in me more than I do with these dropbacks. Oh boy, my lower back is achingJ