6.12.2007

Apparently today is a good day to die…this is how I may be entitling my diary entries. I felt the need to write instantly tonight (not on the internet as the computer is way past its closing time) and that it is almost midnight. For the usual yoginis this is way past our sleeping time. Everyone is in their 3rd dream of the evening.

So today was rather unsettling in a way of awakening and seeing what I always knew and felt inside was reconfirmed by Sahaj, our astrology reader. Some people may take things with a pinch of salt whereas I believe that there are more than consequences to who we are and the effects of the planet.

I'm pretty good at going round the houses before I get to the point. Tonight I wanted to stay up so I can write about someone, who has touched my soul very much in the past week with his existence, with his laughter and his energy. I really wanted to write this piece in my room on my laptop but happen to be locked out of the staff house, accidentally I hope. So although I dragged Doron around with me past 11pm, disturbing the night guards and the dogs on the terrace, and managing not to wake up the sleeping guard outside our staff house, I had to return to write in on Doron's laptop. On a Mac that I'm very unfamiliar with, at least he has emphasized that I click on apple and then S to save my dearly document. Ph, and this is American spelling…Doron, you crazy thing, what are you doing to my masterpiece??

I'm sure I wrote about Doron before who was going to step into my role here as the retreat manager but saved his soul from Theresa's claws last minute, biaaaach, as my American friends would call her. I don't think it was due his involvement in our staff issues that made him close to Sayuri and I, as he was very friendly from the moment he arrived and very charming indeed. I did admire the flying kisses and winks on the terrace, and his vibrant energy with other guests. Little did I know that I would be learning so much more from him in a few days time, through his experiences and his life experiences. It is hard to meet people, especially men who are very open about their own feelings, open with the way they communicate, show care and consideration unless they swing the other way if you catch my drift. But Doron was surprisingly ticking all of those boxes very soon. His reasoning and negotiation skills were amazing, especially when dealing with Theresa.As there is an ocean of people's skills he's gathered through some good and some bad experiences I was happy indulge myself in learning from him which started to happen pretty organically.

I have felt that I was in search of something and someone for a while now, to a degree that I felt at unease in myself, where I belonged, what I wanted to next. My explanation was that I could seek that outside, finding the best city to live in, the best person to be with, best facilities at my doorstep. And I felt the true spiritual connection with Doron when we started to talk about just that, home, where is it, where does the search begin and end. I think I was on my way to collect Liz from the airport that particular day and remember saying how great this Doron was, so wise, so wonderful…There was such clear understanding in him that even as I was criticizing myself he would show the positive aspect of that fault and make me feel ok about it. And the fact that I ought to stop thinking and live in the moment. A lot of things that I ought to put to practice.

Tonight I was confessing to him that I feel that connection very strongly with him, although my words were rather clumsy and even confusing to myself to realize. To this day I have always been happy to give and not to receive, to be strong, to figure everything out myself. It felt good for once to be hearing from someone who has already walked the path and was happy to answer my silly questions. And yet it also felt selfish, as I stood there happily receiving from this wonderful being I wasn't able to give much back. I felt that I was standing on the other side of the mirror, as I burnt myself out time after time organizing, sharing, loving, caring and putting myself as second best; I was now indulging in receiving. Is it possible to feel good and bad about this at the same time?

Sahaj did say that this year was bout me finding my centre, my home, learning to cope better and have spiritual experiences. I could already see that this is happening, wisdom is pouring in through normal people.

Here we go, perhaps I have become a little selfish again, this diary entry was meant to be about Doron, not so much about how he makes ME feel. I don't like to list words to describe qualities in people as they lose their meaning. All I know is that I met the most beautiful soul, who probably have his dark sides as all of us do, (already discovered that he can be very cheeky) who is so compassionate and caring, in tune with people's needs and emotions and happy to put himself in line to defend their rights. Someone pretty patient, and in balance so he can be fun, he can be reflective and quiet; who seem to be at ease and peace with himself and the world around him.

Am I looking at the home I would like to have for me? I have little pre3cious time to spend with Doron until I leave for Kovalam, but I decided to put the first thing I have learnt into practice and that is not to think or plan ahead, predict the future; but to live the moment. So I thank the being who threw Doron into my path for the time he will remain on it. He just needs to be him and that is enough for me.

Phew, I'm knackered; most of it may not make sense as my eyes are feeling veeeery sleeeeepy!