25.11.2007

Don't they say the first person a girl falls in love with is his father?

Well, it is 10pm. I'm in my room, Norah Jones is signing along at the background, it is a refreshing evening and I'm sitting on my bed with a laptop…I've had a very strong Rolfing therapy 3 hours ago. But the reason I have tears at the moment is neither of those. I've had a few days of confusion, unhappiness at times and been bouncing like a yoyo. Sometimes I have such huge doubts about what the hell I'm doing here, how I ended up taking a year travelling, so far away from all the love I'm surrounded with by my family and friends, people who appreciate me. It's an extreme end of that, being here, strangers coming and going every 2 weeks, no true connection with anyone, my periods are f***ed up as well as lots of other things. Is my body telling me something? I have become sensitive to these signals so I think the warning sign came early enough for me to remove myself from this situation soon and tonight I made the decision to leave Purple Valley and head south to Kovalam.

I do laugh as well as cry this though. I know that it is silly for me to question something so special in front of me, a journey that I have been so excited about, so tears don't last that long at all. Plus, I have just spent 15minutes filming a tiny frog in my room jumping up and down. Surely this is a sign of insanity…its very meditative by the way, simply watching animals.

I spoke to my dad on the phone today for 18minutes and 49seconds, I wished it could be longer but I had to go to Tim's afternoon workshop. It was so soothing to hear dad's voice. Once again I realised how much love I was raised with, how much dedication and consideration. I sometimes feel pretty overwhelmed with the amount of love I carry in my body, which I suppose explains my hyper activity, care and sensitivity but it is so much that I feel my heart beat in my fingers and toes, pumping nothing but love, I become one giant heart. And yet the source has always been my dad. I wrote so much about him many times, probably failed to describe in words what he means to me. They turned out to be funny stories about his habits, his peculiar ways. And yet after we spoke on the phone, in fact it was very different this time because we could hold a long conversation as we miss each other so much, I noticed how devastated I would be if he ever left his body.

I think it was when I did my Vippasana I realised that dad had been my guru for a very long time, well in fact since I was a baby. Even when he would tell me how ugly I was as a baby and he was worried that I would remain like that; and yet I grew up to be a beautiful girl (I think he tells me that story to make me smile all the time). He is an enlightened being who's unaware of it, I did tell him that once and he laughed saying "me, no way" ….So humble at the same time. His soft voice, calmness, positive attitude in life, his fairness, consideration...I don't think this list ever ends and I have so much to learn from him and to become a parent with those qualities. It does break my heart that he is deeply wounded from loss of my brother and sometimes I try so hard to make him smile but it seems impossible. His heart appear to have taken a big sunk in life, disappointment and the letting go.

I think I'm becoming touchy as my brother's birthday is approaching and often I would always be around the family at that time. We are now having deal with it separately in our own way, but too scared to ask each other how we're coping because that is too painful to talk about.

Phew, ok heavy stuff. But all good, it needs to be released and I am learning to be less tolerant to negativity in my life. When Monica did an astrological reading for me before I left London she had mentioned that because of my positivity I tend to seek the beauty in life and ignore the ugly side, or try to escape it. So with my decision to leave Purple Valley I do feel that aspect of my personality is re-enforced but at the same time it is suffering that I can avoid and this journey is about looking after myself and learning not to give out too much energy to the point I have nothing left for my own wellbeing.

Obviously my reasoning has seemed to have improved…I'll sleep on this one and see what the new day brings. It has been good to acknowledge dad's love though, one man I do love with his faults as well as his attributes; and one man I will not try to change (not that I try that with any other man)