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Upon my return to the village after our week in Cape Town, I was greeted with a pleasant surprise:the chicken "khola" had been completed!My push to secure the iron sheets before I left had paid off.The AIDS support group I'm working with had finished the roof, installed doors, and cemented the walls and floors.I was extremely impressed by their initiative.Not wanting to waste any more time, we booked baby chicks from a farm in Blantyre and within a week we were nursing 98 newborns.
I was also pleased when Peace Corps delivered the oil press I'd requested - customs officials had finally let it clear.I was able to bring the equipment to the other community-based organization I'm working with, demonstrate how to use it, and now we're in business!We buy locally grown peanuts, press them in the machine, and produce cooking oil, which we sell to women for use in their homes and businesses.
It was amazing; everything fell into place while I was away.I think to think it was a sign that I'm doing what I'm supposed to:pushing, prodding, encouraging, but leaving enough room for progress to unfold organically.
I was on Cloud Nine for a few weeks.But then, strangely enough, followed a period of minor depression.What in the heck was I supposed to do for the next five months?All I was doing was following up with my groups and waiting for results.Also, I suddenly had nothing to look forward to but going home.That may sound counterintuitive, because of course going home is EXTREMELY exciting.I miss my family and friends immensely.But I'm purposely trying to avoid fantasizing about it.First, there's a lot of stress associated with going home - before I go, I'll have numerous medical appointments, plenty of paperwork, the task of distributing my possessions and, hardest of all, saying goodbye to the village.Second, I don't know where (or if!) I'm going to grad school.I've applied, but admissions committees have yet to make their decisions.I don't want to daydream about my plans, only to have to severely modify them.Finally, painting a dreamy picture of the U.S. could create expectations of home that might be inaccurate.
I realized then how much I'd come to rely on the future as a coping mechanism, that problems actually served as useful distractions, and that I was generally devoting a lot of energy to imagining a time when my projects and personal life would flow smoothly.How long before the chickens would lay eggs?What would our profit margins be for the cooking oil?Where would I get in to grad school?Suddenly, I was forced to really, truly "be" in the present - unless I wanted to spend all my time worrying.
At first, I felt extremely trapped.Now when a little kid shouted "Azungu!" or I had trouble dealing with a colleague, I had nowhere to turn.I couldn't sigh, remember that I'd see Alex soon or that my parents would be visiting, and shrug it off.I could think about…grad school, and ohmygoodnesswilligetinorhavetofindajobstraightaway or oh! It was too much.
I'm still waiting to hear back from schools, and it'll be another two months before all the rigmarole to leave the country begins.Nevertheless, I'm feeling strangely free.I'm learning to accept that I have no control over the future, and - even more important - to become more aware of the pleasantries surrounding me each day.When I'm attracting a lot of attention in the marketplace or there's a minor disaster with the chickens, I can reflect on the fact that it's nice to be able to buy fresh fruit year round, or that I'm going to be able to cook a nice lunch, or that there was a time when I didn't think we'd ever finish the building, let alone have chickens at all.
I'm not 100% immune to stress, and every night when I go to bed I can feel some anxiety creeping in.But I think this habit of focusing too much on the future (along with eating a jar of peanut butter to ease a bad day) is one of the more important ones to erase.
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Janelle Anderson Love you Katie! Congrats on all the awesome stuff you're getting done over there, and hurray for getting into Cornell! Woot! Can't wait to have you back in the states. :)