Right now, I'm feeling a bit as though I have some sort of neck injury and ought not to move for fear of paralysis. Maybe that's a bit dramatic, but Alex just left yesterday, and I'm trying desperately hard not to dwell too much on either how meaningful his trip was for me or on what a loss I'm experiencing.Just as it would be foolish to risk further injury for the sake of immediate movement, it would hardly be wise for me to try and "kick" this sadness by crying it all out or, conversely, by posturing as though my experience in Peace Corps hadn't suddenly meant so much until he was here.Instead, I just need to be with these feelings, knowing I've experienced this hyper-emotional state many, many times in Malawi and I always regain my equilibrium.

Maybe as nothing more than a form of distraction, I'd like to at least attempt to describe the past two months - April and May - not only nominally by way of events that took place, but in terms of the sea change in my views on Peace Corps and Malawi.

At the end of March, I began writing in the third journal I've filled since arriving in-country.Most of the entries around this period detail a major frustration I've faced as the first Peace Corps Volunteer in my village: that after 10 months at site, NOBODY understands what my role is - perhaps least of all me.Though I've chosen to branch out and work independently from the health center since December, I still get questions from the staff when I am around wondering where I've been.Because they don't see my work in the greater community, they don't quite understand what I've been doing all this time.I, in turn, became quite self-conscious that maybe I wasn't cutting it, that maybe I wasn't doing enough to produce visible results - even though deep-down, I felt like I was trying my hardest to make things happen.

Example:in planning this Open Day, I needed to visit Zomba town quite a bit to meet with the NGOs sponsoring the event or coordinate transportation of official guests with the district hospital.But upon my return from a day in town, I got the third degree, each person alluding to the fact that maybe I just took the free ride with the health center's ambulance to town to do "shopping" or "chatting" with my friends.Even though knew I had to be in Zomba, I wondered if I wasn't doing enough for my community that they'd doubt me so.

Thankfully, my efforts and accompanying irritations (vacillating between annoyance with my village and disappointment in myself) coalesced to form Open Day - a day in which 700 people participated and 99 people discovered their HIV status.

"Open Day" was an effort on the part of my health centre's HIV counselors and my counterpart to promote use of our testing services.Though we have a catchment area of approximately 50 villages we receive, on average, somewhere between 10 and 20 clients each month.We set a goal to test 100 people on just one day, simultaneously encouraging community members to stay informed of their HIV status.We received a small grant from Peace Corps to pay for refreshments and some publicity materials; prizes to attract community members, including t-shirts, footballs and exercise books, were donated by the NGO Dignitas International.We had an "orientation meeting" with local chiefs and representatives from the church, school and youth organizations two weeks beforehand to shore up attendance.The meeting in and of itself provided valuable insight into HIV/AIDS issues in our community.On the day of the event, huge crowds participated in dramas and comedy performances presented by local youth groups with "positive living" messages; two people currently living with AIDS also provided their testimonies.Most importantly, many more people took a key step in protecting themselves and their loved ones.Best of all, in the week following the event an additional 35 people came for testing and dozens more have been appearing weekly ever since.

After Open Day, life fell into place professionally as well as personally - ironically, after I promised to hold myself accountable to my own standards and not become quite so paranoid about my "legacy" as a PCV.Yes, feedback has its place but so does introspection, and acknowledgement/appreciation of personal aims as well as limits.

Related to work, I found out the grant proposal I'd written with my AIDS support group had been accepted by Peace Corps to benefit from their funding.We'd written a proposal to start a hen-raising "income-generating activity" (IGA).The idea is to build our own "khoala" (henhouse), rear the hens and sell the eggs.I've enjoyed every aspect of this project so far, from helping the group write a business plan, to prioritizing goals achievable with the proceeds to now planning a training to get construction underway.I have high hopes for this as maybe the most sustainable project I complete during my service.I see it as a way for members to build business and marketing skills, as well as knowledge of a trade that will serve them in the future.

Then, my counterpart approached me again about our idea of creating women's groups in the village.We'd tried it once before last fall, but when rainy season started the women were planting and we couldn't distract them from the fields.Not only is my counterpart anxious to teach the women healthier living practices, so they in turn can educate their families, the women themselves can't wait to get started.The women in one group actually showed up at the health surveillance assistant's house, assigned to their area, to demand that we begin again!

I also coordinated a "field trip" to Lake Malawi with another PCV.Most of my students at the secondary school have never seen the lake, and the teachers thought they ought to see the views but more importantly the economic opportunities available there.The other PCV, Jodi, is actually stationed near MALDECO fisheries.After the youth toured the fish ponds, gaped at the largest body of water they'd ever seen (and noted jealously, I think, that the women can wash right at the shore instead of having to carry water from a well), we brought them to the local secondary school to play football and socialize.I liked this project because it's something the teachers can easily replicate after I'm gone - they just needed a little guidance in organizing, as well as contact information.

When I stopped forcing exact results and instead looked to make headway where possible, I found I was happier and even more productive: I needed less time to "decompress" after a day of work because I didn't approach it with such a strong agenda.Similarly, when I stopped trying to force unnatural bonds of friendship, I discovered wonderful people and more energy for them.

Ever since our homestay in the villages during Peace Corps training, when my friends in the group of Volunteers I'd arrived with were located in a different village other than my own, I'd felt like I was missing out.I didn't know all their jokes, didn't understand inside references.As it happened, we were further separated when given our sites - most of those I'd been close were assigned to the Central region, while I went South.

For a long time, I regretted this development.I didn't take advantage of the older PCVs in my area, preferring instead to keep up with the gossip of those in my arrival group via text messages.It became clear, though, after a couple of get-togethers with my whole group that I simply didn't know them as well, given our proximity.I knew that I still needed support and friendship, though, and finally became aware of how awesome the Volunteers here are.They've obviously been here a lot longer than me, and their experiences are fascinating.Not only that, but they know how to handle life here and give great advice.

It coincided nicely:at the same time I decided to let myself relax a bit in terms of work, I began making plans with other PCVs who shared my same interests.After Open Day, for instance, I spend Easter weekend hiking Mount Mulanje with two women who are here in Malawi doing Peace Corps for a second time, having already served in other countries.Maybe a month later, we joined another PCV to go hiking in the North.Various other times, as well, I got together with other people in my region - PCVs as well as other NGO workers and people from my church.These relationships came naturally and, like with work, I found myself more satisfied.

Pulling into my one-year anniversary with Peace Corps, I felt pretty strong.And what could be a better form of celebration than sharing Malawi with my first visitor from the U.S.?

Alex and I have been dating for almost two years.We'd met each other around the time I put in my application with Peace Corps and, for that reason, never starting seeing each other with the intention of anything long-term.But as my departure date grew closer, we didn't know what to do, as we'd become quite taken with each other.We decided to "play it by ear" - that the forces (changing, meeting someone else) that would break us up would occur regardless of whether or not we imposed a split.

Somehow, by the grace of God, we've made it this past year and it was a complete joy, after countless letters and long-distance calls with limited reception and chickens in the background, to be able to actually show him my life here.

Our trip fell neatly into four major segments, though "neatly" suggests that our three weeks together weren't the continuous adventure they actually were.We faced down everything, from rugged terrain to border guards to lions to mini-buses.First, we took a safari through South Luangwa National Park in Zambia.Next, we went to my village, where Alex was introduced to every inhabitant, as well as the art of poultry slaughter.We climbed 9,000 feet to what felt like the sky (aka the peak "Sapitwa") and landed in waterfalls on our way down.We then collapsed at Cape McClear, literally on the beach, enjoying views of the lake at sunset and our last moments together.

My experience in Peace Corps is truly more significant for him having witnessed it.I felt validated, for all the struggles, at being able to demonstrate this way of life.I surprised even myself by how practically dismissive of his (and most people's) concerns at how I have to live and work - its second nature now.

He told me I've grown up, which I think is true.Plastic bags are suddenly gold; electricity is unnecessary and even apple cores don't get wasted - an adult I've become, if not a strange one.Not because of the exact decisions I've made, but because I had to make them alone and manage.Viewing myself as capable through someone else's eyes has made me realize maybe I'm not floundering as badly as often I feel.