Out of the darkness and Into the light
Kingscote, South Australia
Greetings comrades, the time has come to once again embark on another journey. I will fly to the other side of the world in search of whimsical happenings and a sense of freedom, which can never be found here. The career lords have once again expressed their dismay at my desire to carry on, rather than settle down to a life of 9-5 and X factor. As exciting as that sounds, I decided that I would much prefer to live my life in paradise.
On the 20th Day of the 9th month I will head back to Australia with Anna who now has the luxury of being my fiancé. I understand that this news may have sent the female population into despair, but I cannot apologize, for I am also lucky. Anna is very good at carrying all the important documents whence we travel and without that I would be nothing.
The last two months have gone at a momentous pace. This was our first summer in England for three long years and despite the weather we had a joyous time with many frivolous and merry feasts taking place in Leeds and beyond. However before this our time was not so merry, I will urge you not to read on if you are weak of heart for I will now go back into the darkness and recount our journey into Embleton, where once again I was forced to face the unearthly creatures which infest the British working industries and bring despair to all those who enter their lair's.
It was the turning of spring and as the sun shined upon our first visit to Embleton I was feeling optimistic; the beach was stunning and I had a strong affinity to the Northumberland coast after many childhood years spent in the area. I felt incredibly lucky to have found a job in such a picturesque area, which offered easy access to notorious attractions such as Bamburgh Castle and Holy Island. Little did I know that I was about to meet some of the worst humans I have ever met in my whole twenty-six years on this earth. Never before have I worked in a place so devoid of happiness than when I entered the Dunstanburgh Castle Hotel in Embleton. The hotel itself looked like and old people's home and Immediately I came to the conclusion that Anna and I were the only normal and logical people who worked there, whilst the rest were robots trained in the art of dining room butters and incessant b****ing.
For the first month I was fortunate for none of the full time restaurant staff ever spoke to me. I do not lie comrades, for many times I would enter the vicinity to be greeted by a stony silence. This silence was to change when I unfortunately enraged another staff member for putting sugar in the wrong size cup. I ask you not to judge me comrades; I understand that this is an error beyond evil and that I should be punished. However I was fortunate that my colleague only shouted at me and stormed off.
This error was to open up the floodgates for the staff then began to explain to my simple mind how to do incredibly difficult things like hoover, or wipe a table. Perhaps the worst person for this kind of behaviour was our erratic manager, who would do almost anything to avoid working and then come in when everybody had left and start telling me how to pour tonic into a glass of gin. The manager would then proceed to take over and ruin everything, which caused an unhealthy amount of customer's to come and complain directly to me.
Fortunately I knew I had Australia to look forward to which got me through the first few months in this truly depressing place. Anna and I also spent a lot of time on the beach where the sheer beauty would wipe all our problems from the mind. Despite the oppressive atmosphere, the boring, b****y, miserable and strange full time staff, and the neurotic managers, I felt quite content for the first few months. This however was to change dramatically when our suspicions of the other couple lodging with us became apparent.
I will not lie comrades but these two people were quite easily the worst humans on the planet. The most selfish and awful people I have ever met in my life. Due to the actions of these two people my mind suddenly fell to darkness and I would spend most of my four-hour break in a storm of hatred thinking of all the things I would like to say to them. They were pathetic in so many ways that I don't think I could possibly write it all down unless it turned into the next Lord Of The Rings trilogy.
First and foremost they were majorly petty and ridiculous, constantly moaning about everything under the sun. Literally I would walk into work and all they would do was stand together and moan/b**** and go and kiss the backsides of those they moaned about. Other than that they spent every waking hour in their awful smack den, refusing to come out and see the light of day. At first I suspected that they had formed some sort of Vampiric cult, which required them to only come out at night; for quite often at around 2am, they would randomly leave their lair and turn the bathroom taps on for about thirty minutes. However as time went on strange men would just walk into our house and start screaming the name of the male. Immediately I suspected drugs and a few days later my suspicions were confirmed when I saw him buying them from a guy outside. Coincidentally after this incident all I could hear from the next room was constant sniffing. Furthermore I also overheard a conversation with one of the strange local folk who walked into our house describing the male's drug dealing habits and asking for more of the "white stuff".
The first of the mad couple was an older fellow who had reached a ripe old age of 38. I must admit comrades that I was quite confused about his purpose in life. All he seemed to do was sit in his room and take drugs all day everyday. I could not believe that he lived in such a stunning area but would never explore it. In fact they had being there over a year and had only just visited Bamburgh castle for the first time after we arrived. He often complained that he did not receive enough hours and appeared to be jealous of me for taking his shifts. However whenever he was offered shifts he wouldn't want accept because he was too busy taking drugs in his smack den. It got to a point where he would leave aggressive notes about getting money for the Internet in order to fund his habits. On one particular occasion Anna agreed to pay the money at the end of the week when we got paid, which he said was okay. However to my amazement he cut our Internet access off anyway. At that point I really did wish I were him.
The second and possibly the worst was a women grown who looked very much like penguin from batman returns. There are no words in the common tongue that could possibly describe this person. All I can say is that after we left this god forsaken place, she sent me a message threatening to get the police onto me for stealing a digital box, even though it was in the living room and then when she realised how stupid she must seem, she sent another message referring to my brother who passed away last year. She was basically an awful person who b****ed about everybody, including those who were supposedly her friends.
Suffice to say we did not leave this position on good terms. Our minds had grown tired of the strange and petty behaviour that happened on a daily basis. Physically we also suffered, for the late night antics would often condemn both Anna and I to sleepless nights. Our time had come to an end and we decided to leave the Dustanburgh castle hotel to rot in the misery of its own staff. The future suddenly looked bright, we had two weddings, a festival and a holiday to Santorini in Greece to look forward to. Furthermore thanks to the generosity of our friend and new manager we managed to get another job in a stunning location in Australia. The doom and gloom of Embleton had lifted and once I was sat in a bar in Santorini sipping on Ice-cold Mythos. I thought back to those people and I could not help but smile, I was back living the dream.
It is now four days until we begin our journey to Kangaroo Island. I wont say don't weep for it is only natural to shed tears when a national treasure such as myself leaves for a long period of time. The sun has set on my time in England and winter is coming (but not for me). . .